Posted by jessika k on March 20, 1999 at 03:19:45:
In Reply to: "stages of life" posted by Peter Fester on March 20, 1999 at 00:18:08:
the first 4 lines of this poem are very well constructed and paint a vivid picture.
the next 4 are still imagistic, but not to the extent of the beginning. (i don't know if the rhyme was deliberate or not?)
try to create more of a picture of the 'struggling man' even by saying 'lives in his bleak tarnished world' or something like that, to add a bit more color/image to the last few lines.
definitly keep the last 3 lines as they are.
one last comment, and this is mostly personal opinion, but why are there periods in the poem? usually a line break signifies a pause, and a stanza break (ie lines between a verse) signify a longer pause. so maybe experiment with formatting a little more, change a period or two into a comma, or a line break. that's just my opinion though. (i think punctuation looks silly in a poem... that's merely me!)
other than that, i really enjoyed this piece. i love the way that the first few lines pull you in to the abyss of the writer.
jessika k
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