"Enjoy Your Journey"

No matter what goals you might set, 
or what dreams you may achieve,
your joys occur along your Journey 
whether it is towards or past those dreams or goals.

Once a goal is met or a dream fulfilled, another begins anew.
Learn to take time to relish your Journey.
Each day is a journey to somewhere. 
That somewhere is "Today".
You have not been there before and will never be there again 
for "Today" becomes yesterday, and tomorrow never arrives.

Each day's Journey is an experience you have not known.
Your journey is continuous and will happen
whether you reach a goal or never set one.
All you truly get to take delight from, in this world, 
is your Journey.
Take time to savor it, nothing else matters but the Journey. 

"A New Dawn" 

Just when you feel you've reached the death of your dreams,
you must listen to the hero's voice within your soul. 
Listen to the voice and let your heart begin to beat with
a new rhythm, your rhythm. 
This voice will make itself heard if you are ever to march
to the beat of your own drum. 

Your own inner voice can and will replenish your strength
and allow you to weep, not only in anger against the past, 
but also to weep with joy for the future that is yours. 
Let tears, if that's what it takes, slowly begin to help melt
the crust of inadequacy and doubt you've packed upon yourself. 

Let the light shine through the crust of doubt. 
It will illuminate a path you have never seen before. 
Let your inner voice depict the journey you must begin, 
the journey you must take for a lifetime, 
a journey with ups and downs, but a journey that is
Your own and no one else's. 

You must want what is best for yourself, First. 
You must need whatever it is you need for yourself, First. 
You cannot be a mirror that reflects another's ideals and images. 
To survive, you can't let them see what they want every time they look. 
You must scrape off the silver behind the reflection, revealing
only the glass through which they can see You. 

You are not a clay to be modeled by your surroundings. 
You are a living, breathing, vibrant woman with access
to the collective unconscious of millions of women who have
been where you are now. 
Through their help, you can become what you need to become, independent of anyone or anything. 

It is a comfort to have security, arms to hold you, words to make you feel like a Goddess, but you must seek the Goddess within you First. 
She can't be an image created by someone else. 
Look for her. Let her help. She's the only one who knows
who you are and what you positively need to be complete and alive. 
You must find the God or Goddess who knows you, loves you, and let one of them rise to give you the sight you need
to walk in the world as it really is. 

Stand up, take a deep breath, look inward, and start forward. 
Until you start the journey, you will be welded in place, just existing. 
The journey begins with one step, no matter how fast, how slow, how short, or in which direction, but the step is for you. 
Without the first honest movement forward or sideways, you cannot begin to do anything except tag along on someone else's journey. 
Tagging along is no progress. Progress for yourself is to begin
your journey, begin the rest of your life in Your direction. 

Don't wither like a flower in the rays of a Sun that's
too hot and too bright for it.
Go slowly. Reach deep within the darkness of yourself
and start a glow from within. 
Walk by your own inner light, for it is always the
correct intensity and the correct warmth for You. 
Listen, understand, take a step. 
Begin the lifelong journey that is Yours. 

"My Granddaughter"

Baby Girl, my Granddaughter, my miracle.
I almost did not get to meet you.
I survived some pretty hard things to
Make your acquaintance.
Now that you are here, I know why I
Survived a life of tough breaks,
Hard knocks, and ill health.

I had to be around to meet you and
Introduce you to this world.
You need to learn how to make it
And I’ll be around to help you do it too.

I can show you the wonders of Nature
And let you learn how beautiful She can be.
I can show you how to sew like your Great-Great Grandma,
And how to cook too, like your Great Grandma.
But, right here, right now, I want to forewarn you
I am best at things little girls do not usually accomplish.

My little, precious, lovely one, my baby Granddaughter;
I will show you the wonders of rocks and trees
And the art of using words to describe them.
I will instruct you in the skills I know best.
I shall tutor you in those skills, which I, my Father’s Only Son,
Learned well from the Great Grandpa you will never meet.

Your Great Grandpa taught me to fish and to hunt.
He taught me to fix cars and bikes.
He taught me how to ride a bicycle,
A motorcycle, and how to drive a boat.
He taught me to take care of Nature’s little
Creatures in the woods, and how to survive on them too.
He taught me people could survive all kinds of changes.

These things I’ll teach you, like I did your Daddy.
But, I hope to teach you something else.
I’ll teach you what I found out all by myself.
I will help you discover that being a little Girl means
you can be anything you wish and that it is wonderful
To be dainty and prissy and wear pretty dresses and use lipstick.
But I promise to teach you it is also okay to be clumsy and explore The world wearing jeans, standing proud
Holding a fishing pole, and using a pocketknife too,

I survived to meet you. That is a miracle I accomplished and won.
Now, I hope to have a long time to live and teach you
As your Great Grandpa and Great Grandma would have done.
I love you very much and I hold you very dear.
I just wanted you to know how glad I am
I survived to greet you when you arrived here.

Love, Grandma 



"What Do You Need?"

You need someone with no emotions.
You need someone who has no fears.
You need someone with no devotion.
You need someone who has no tears.
You seem to never need affection.
You seem to never need a touch.
You seem to not have direction.
You seem to need no one very much.
Well, I’m someone who has emotions
I’m someone who does have fears.
I’m someone who has devotion.
I’m someone who does cry tears.
I’m someone who’d like affection.
I’m someone who does need a touch.
I too don’t plan my direction,
But I’ve come to need you very much.
We all need something or someone.
Remember that’s what makes life fun.
That’s what makes one human
Whenever all is said and done.
I love you, just know I care.
Let your affections show now and then,
If you dare.



“Events”

One event can change the world as you know it.
People are oh so much more than just what you see.
They come into your life for a while and
Forever change your world as you knew it.
People are “Events.”

Some leave lasting hurts that heal into scars,
While some bring lasting joy,
Forever renewing and warming your heart.
Either way, their presence forever changes
The Who you became.

Who you are, and what you can become is
Forever bound together with those
Who entered your life and left you
As the person you are today.
This is the sharing of lives.

Be thankful of all the “Events” who have changed you,
Whether the changes seemed wonderful
Or harmful at the time.
Each person in your life enriches you, 
Leaving behind the being you were meant to be. 

If you are not the being you wish to be now,
Wait a time for the right “Event” to enter your life
And help you become the being you want to be.
Remember also, you too can be the “Event”
Which changes another’s life forever.



"Agony"

I’ve been away from my flesh so long it feels ancient when I return to it to live out 
my remaining years on this plane of existence.
I search for familiar remnants of the flesh I once knew.
Tiny cobwebs, remnants of the ancient visions I had for my life are all that remain to sustain my hunger.

While I sought to make manifest my visions, I failed to live in the here and now.
Returning, I find others emptied my pantry to satisfy their hunger while I starved to death feeding upon those visions.
In this foolish sleep, I did not see myself slowly sweeping my house clean, attempting to rid myself of all the possessions I should have enjoyed.

Now, the present, today, it’s all I have. I remained away too long devouring the could-haves, the should-haves, the dreams that once were delicious fodder to the palate of my soul.
My hunger is now so insatiable, I’ve eaten a gaping hole in the flesh I call my house.
This hole’s become so large I’m about to loose the remaining webs as they blow in the wind tunnel of what is becoming only a shell in which I must presently exist.

I have become a living vacuum, threatening to absorb
all energy from the souls that surround me. I’m afraid for 
all those who try to be near me, fearing I will absorb them as I go about the task of repairing this gaping, bloody hole.

Fully awake, I find I’m frightened to the point of madness because I emptied myself of the very essence I desperately seek now to reclaim.
My house is so barren I cannot fathom how I will ever replenish it.
I hang a curtain in one room, only to find a thousand more rooms that need curtains.
I emptied this house, I should be able to fill it, but I can’t.

For now, I can only sit on the ancient stairway of my current home praying for miracles that will never come. 
I wait for the Great Goddess to come to me, to bring me the boards and the nails I so desperately need to repair the damage.
I plead with her for laborers to help me, knowing full well I am the only carpenter she will seek.

I must make my own miracles, but at this moment I can only
wish for them. You see, in my all-consuming hunger, while I devoured the fodder of my ancient visions, I consumed all original energy given me by the Goddess.
Now, I must live through the agonizing delay for her answers to my desperate prayers.


"I Didn’t Know I Was Already A Hero"

I went on a quest, searching everywhere for the still quiet that should have existed within. 
I used every tool I had available to me, frantically searching for the still peace I needed. 
I had lost not only myself, but everyone else in my life - except my son. 
Little did I know that my son would end up being the solitary thread 
That kept me attached to the world of the living long enough for me to find myself. 

I faced demons of untold proportions, trying to fight them with tools that failed to destroy them. 
I didn’t realize it was my inner child I was seeking to kill with such vengeance.
I faced my first bout with death by stroke before I sought assistance with my fight.
Petrified, but challenged by death to seek help, I found grace through friendship, 
I found friendship with the proverbial wise man. 

I sought help with a vengeance, inhaling the written words of many authors. 
I wanted to kill the demons hat would not leave me alone at night in my dreams.
I wanted to rid myself of these faceless, hideous beings.
I was foolish to have assumed I could rid myself of what I could not see. 
I did not know I was blindly trying to kill myself in increments. 

Through sheer grace I was slowed down in my unconscious battle to kill myself. 
I finally stopped and listened to what this wise man had to say. 
I was told I was special, because I had asked the question. 
I thought him truly madder than I was myself. 
I couldn’t imagine why he saw my suffering as a blessing in disguise. 
But, I was convinced to continue listening to my dreams.
He struck a cord in my soul that triggered my natural curiosity. 
He did not know I could not stand a puzzle I could not solve. 
I was given puzzle pieces week after week, 
convincing me to just listen closer to myself and I’d find that stillness within. 

I listened long enough to find the locked trunk of my unconscious. 
Once found, I wanted it opened immediately. However, I found my trunk required 100 keys I did not have.
I couldn’t comprehend the wise man when he told me the keys would only be found
when I was strong enough to hold them and grasp them.
I had to grow wiser to face the contents of that trunk. 

I studied with the wise man, gaining clues to find these keys I did not deserve to have.
A voice within kept telling me I did not deserve to find the treasure that lay within. 
I unknowingly took my anger out on myself for not having the tools to find those keys. 
I started another path leading to the self-destruction of my body, only I was running faster. 
The more I understood, the harder the keys were to find. 

Just when I’d think I had found a key to self-preservation, 
I’d see that what I found was just another lock I could not open, and I punished myself from within again. 
I did not think the treasure within the chest was ever attainable, much less worth obtaining. 
I sank back into the unconscious sea of my unknowing self-abuse, 
never realizing that abuse was the only tool I had ever learned to use well. 
I was using it on myself to eat away the flesh of my body to near death again. 

Victim of abuse, I only deserved to remain so. I was not worthy to be. 
I was about to disappear physically, through weight loss, and mentally, because I couldn’t find the answers fast enough - I was in a race with time. I had punished myself over things I did not know I had not caused. 
I had to be evil, for evil had been put on me. Had I been good, bad things would not have happened to me.
I had to find the last key or loose another portion of my body to abuse again. 
One night, as I screamed for help from the depths of my dreams, 
I met the abusers from the bowels of my repressed life.
I found the last key and was able to hold it in my grasp. 

I wished I had never found that key, for it allowed me to see the evil that had slept in my past. 
Once the past came alive, I knew I had been treated like refuse, tossed and thrown away. 
Once I faced my worst nightmare, I finally knew I didn’t bring about the abuse, nor could I have ever stopped it.
I had been betrayed by my family in a manner so unspeakable that no punishment would have ever sufficed, 
even if I had been allowed to inflict it. I survive now, because I found I was special, 
just as the wise man said. I had always been special, I had just forgotten where, when, and why. 
You see, I had already survived. I had already been my own hero.
I had just not found the 100 keys to the trunk containing my past. 
Once I opened the trunk, I was finally able to read the book, "My Life," 
and know I had always been a hero. 
Now, I can step forward in life because I deserve to. 
I have been allowed grace through friendship. I step forward cautiously,
though, for I’m still taking baby steps. 
I’m still a child learning to take baby steps at the age of 47. 
One day I’ll be able to run - towards happiness, love, and acceptance. 
Oh, what a lot of exploring I have to do, now that I know I’m allowed.
I’m allowed to be happy, loved, and accepted. 
It was always my right, I had just forgotten and still keep forgetting. 
I have the still quiet within now, but must keep reminding myself it is truly there.


"Alone"

Alone, always alone.
Alone in a crowd or with just one.
Alone in myself, so cold, so bitterly cold.
Now and then I attain a flicker of warmth within.
If only it could become a raging fire, staying longer.
If only I could just keep my tiny flame burning.
To bathe in scorching water is the only heat I can find.
I warm up in the water, but it doesn’t last long.
I’m striving to thaw this freezer of feelings I’ve kept frozen so long.
I can barely begin to achieve a tiny flame that could slowly
melt these feelings enough to allow them to ignite a tiny flame within.
Please oh Goddess give me a brighter flame.
A flame that can’t be extinguished.
I need a bonfire, but even a small flame would warm up
this cold tomb I’m existing in.
I’m sure the flame must come from within
before I can attain warmth from another from without.
I can’t comprehend how to draw additional fire from without any closer.
No one would crave to be near this freezing cold I must be emitting to others.
They’d get close and be burnt from this ice that is my body.
Oh flame, please come. I am freezing to death.
Please oh Goddess send me a spring warmth from within so I can begin
to come out of this winter of myself.
Spring, with long warm nights so that some day before I die I can
attract a fire from without.
I can never achieve closeness with another without at least a flame from within.
Don’t let me extinguish this flame again, for I know I can keep it burning with your help.
I dwell in an arctic wasteland, seeking shelter within this frigid self.
I’ll wait, but can’t last much longer.
Please send what I need to keep my intermittent flame within afire.


"My Trunk of Atrocities"

Let me rage. Let me scream and shout profanities against my wrongs. 
I want to burn with the heat of a thousand atomic bombs against my foes. 
I talk to others of what’s been done to me,
but I’m somewhere else while I speak the monotone words. 
Words without fire. Just explanations, not rage. 
I sympathize too much. I understand why they committed their wrongs, 
but that doesn’t get rid of this rage. 

I tossed my rage into a trunk for so many years and only now 
Do I see that I’ve sealed it with a thousand locks. 
It doesn’t make the wrongs right because I understand them. 
I want this trunk unlocked. 
It is a box of cancer within my soul I must release.
I want to let my body eat this cancer with the acid I hold within me. 
This acid is eating me, but not the cancer in the trunk I have within. 
I know what’s in the latched box. I’m not afraid of what’s in it - 
Just too weary to unlock it. 
I want to burn out the hideous atrocities done 
To my body and mind that I have filed away in my trunk. 

Things done to me as were done to those in concentration camps. 
The pain, the scars, the voices in my head I must unlock and dissolve with the acid I carry within. 
I must scream against, beat, and batter those memories so that I can neutralize this acid within.
I wear the badge of victim, instead of shouting to all who’ll hear that I’m that no longer. 
I’ll never knowingly let another abuse my body, my mind, or my Self. 

No one will again abuse this Self, this beautiful Goddess that lives within. 
I have scabs within that are still healing. They’re ugly now, but they’ll form strong scars. 
Yes, I know they’ll leave scars like the ones I have on the outside, 
But - I must rage against the locks on this trunk I carry. 
I’m too weary to carry it any further and I must let this acid dissolve this trunk, not "Me." 

All writing © to Pat Thompson.