"Not Here"

They say that,
Home is where the heart is.
Well,
His heart isn't here.

He sleeps here at night,
He gets ready for work here in the morning,
He rests here during the weekends.

But his heart is not here.

He eats,
Sleeps,
And works.
And that is all he ever does.

He never plays with the kids,
He never works on the house,
He never does anything,
He never plans anything.
He leaves as soon as possible,
And comes home,
As late as possible.

Sometimes he brings the kids,
Gifts.
A toy,
Or a book,
Or a sweatshirt. 
But he rarely speaks to them,
Except in scolding.

We never speak,
Except to argue.
Or complain.

Home is where the heart is?
Ha ha.
Not his.
His is not here.

"Children Shouldn't Have To"

Children shouldn't have too,
Choose between their parents.

They shouldn't have to,
Lay awake at night,
Listening to arguments,
Fearing the fallout,
And dreading the lectures,
And bitching sessions,
The next day.

They shouldn't have too,
Sneak around,
Or speak to only one parent at a time.
Or walk on eggshells.

They shouldn't have too,
Listen in anguish.
Because they think something,
One is condemning as wrong,
Is right,
Or vice versa.

They shouldn't have to,
Hide in their rooms,
For fear of being caught in the crossfire.

They shouldn't have to worry,
About being strong for younger ones.
About fighting back tears,
For fear of being seen,
And having to explain.

They shouldn't have to,
Build up emotional walls.
Destroy dreams,
Or keep them so hidden that,
They become repressed.
Because,
They know they will not be smiled upon.

They shouldn't have to be silent,
Afraid of speaking to anyone else.

Children shouldn't have to,
Be caught in their parent's mistakes.

But they are.

Children shouldn't have too...
But they do.

"I Don't Understand"

I don't understand,
This hold you have over me.

I hear everything you say.
The comments said in anger,
Are branded into my memory.
As though done with a hot iron.
I can recall every one,
Like they happened just moments ago.
Their sting only increases with time.

All the compliments paid,
Are instantly overrun,
By just one harsh word.

You say you love me,
You say I am your friend,
Yet I know,
That this can change in a flash.
I know that everything is conditional,
With you.
Nothing is forever.

It's you,
That haunts my thoughts at night,
Spurs me to fits,
Of self-hatred and disgust.

It's you,
That makes me shudder and hold myself,
In fear,
With my mind racing through every possibility.

It's you,
That keeps me emotionally crippled,
And keeps me from letting go.

I see you everywhere I look,
In everyone I know.

I know I shall disappoint you,
Regardless of what I do,
Or where I go.

What do you want from me?

I cannot speak my mind,
For fear of angering you.
Everything I do,
Hits a nerve,
Brings up a memory.

I cannot respond to your questions,
And comments,
Neither negatively nor affirmatively.
For my responses shall come back to plague me.

You keep me alone,
And hinder what relationships,
I manage to form.
Overshadowing them,
Keeping them intimidated,
Keeping me silent,
Keeping yourself firmly in control,
And in time, 
You end them.

I can never relax in your embrace,
I cannot take the proffered love and affection,
For I am not willing to sink to the depths required,
To keep it.

I know,
How quickly your outstretched hands,
Can,
Instead of drawing me close,
Send me spiraling into a nearby wall.

I am wrong to stay,
I am wrong to leave.

I am wrong to do nothing,
I am wrong to do something.

I am wrong to grow,
I am wrong to not grow.

I am damned if I do,
And damned if I don't.

What do you want from me?
Give me something to go by!
Get involved in my life and help me,
Or get out!!!
And let me find my own way.

I don't understand.

What can I do to make this work?
I don't understand.
I don't.......

"Little Hands"

Little hands,
That pulled my shirt tail.
Little mouth,
That smiled up at me.
And said,
"Please mommy?"

Little fingers,
That tried so hard,
To cook,
And clean,
And be oh so helpful,
As they pushed the flour onto the floor.

Little fingers,
That tried to tickle.
Little eyes,
That shone with laughter,
And were filled with innocence.

Little feet,
That ran pitter patter,
At 4 am on Saturday.
Little toes,
That were so fun to play,
The 5 little piggies on.

Little body,
Oh so fragile,
Streaked with red,
Covered in white.
Lying on a hospital bed.

Large machine.
Lines streaking past.
Be-Beep
Be-Beep
Be-Beep
Be-Beep,
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.......

No more shall we play.
No more shall I laugh with you.
No more shall you interrupt my sleep.

Why did I get so angry at him?
Why did I have to lose my temper,
And drive with rage?
Why did I have that extra drink,
Just to piss him off,
Before I left?

Little hands,
Touching me in my sleep.
Little hands,
Giving me hugs,
Little lips,
Giving me kisses,
Little heart,
So full of love,
Little one,
So innocent.

So very gone.

"Disney Child"

I'm Pinocchio,
A wooden toy,
In a world of flesh,
Foxes and cats at every turn,
Waiting to ensnare anything that passes by.

I'm Alice in Wonderland,
A spoiled child,
In a crazy world.
Running from the Cheshire cat,
The enigmas,
That I cannot begin to comprehend.

I'm Megara,
I've made a deal with the devil,
To betray the ones,
I hold dear.

I'm Mulan,
A little girl,
Driven to grow up,
By fear and circumstances.
Desperate to break out of the mold,
To make a difference,
To be special.

I'm a genie,
Trapped in my own lamp,
No one willing,
To sacrifice what's necessary,
To take the time and the effort,
To set me free.

I'm Anastasia,
I've lost my road,
I've lost my crown,
I don't even remember having ever held it.

I'm the Beast,
Trapped in a form,
By my own selfish mistakes,
With no way out on my own,
Having to try and manipulate passersby,
Into rescuing me.
Before time runs out.

I'm desperately searching for my path,
For my innocence,

I'm your child.

"A Daughter's View"

I owe you my life.
I owe you almost every positive aspect of my character.

I owe you my ability to;
Stick to something till it's done.

Do as much as I think can do,
And then do it twice more.

The ability to be strong for someone else,
When I think I will not be able to keep myself together.

The ability to be firm,
When I want to give in.

You taught me how to keep my mouth shut,
And my hands still,
When all I want to do is kill someone.

You taught me the value of hard work.
Nothing ever comes without it.

But you have given me other gifts as well,
That do not make my life easier.

I owe you my dissatisfaction with my work,
For you have given me an eye for perfection.

I owe you my self-consciousness regarding the way I look,
Because of the way you refused to accept that I wasn't 4 anymore.

I owe you my self consciousness regarding the things I do,
For I can always see you there,
Criticizing this or that.

I owe you the tears,
That I must keep hidden,
No matter how hard I try to let them go.

My inability to be open and honest,
About how I feel,
For fear of being pushed away.

I want you to be proud of me.
I want to be what you want me to be.
I want to be there for you.
I want you to be there for me.

I do every thing I know,
To live up to your expectations.

You are the ghost that hangs over my shoulder,
Criticizing everything I do.
Pointing out every flaw,
Scolding every weakness.

You are the angel that watches over me,
Teaching me the right way to walk,
and How to survive.

I love you,
I fear you,
I honor you,

You are my Father. 

"Sorry State Of The World"

What a sorry state the world is in.

I heard of a boy,
He was only 15,
He had a son,
Who was one.

Didn't even know,
Till he found it on his doorstep one morning.
Didn't know who the mother was,
Till she wanted the baby back.

I read of a man,
Who was in the Army.
Who bragged of how he tricked the them into posting him at home,
So he could goof off.

I saw the events at Littleton,
On the TV.
As children shot children,
Acting colder than any assassin.

As officials wondered in awe,
At how such a thing could happen.
After all,
Their parents were prominent citizens.

Never stopping to think,
That maybe that was the problem.

As the media raged on and on,
About the atrocities committed,
Never extending a word of sympathy towards,
The parents of the killers.

I also watched Kosovo unfold.
With great puzzlement
and curiosity,
And fear.

When all was said and done,
I wondered,
What did we gain?
Nothing was changed.

I go to school,
I go to work,
Everyone is close minded,
While professing how open they are.

They are all self-centered,
And alone.

I think God must look down on all of us,
And fight back tears.
That his beautiful creations have allowed themselves,
To slide,
Into this.

"Rain"

Rain, rain.
Running in rivets,
Down my window sill.
Washing my pain away.

Rain, rain, 
Falling in torrents,
Beating at my emotional walls,
Breaking them down,
Dissolving them.

Rain, rain,
Falling so thick, 
Carrying my hatred,
And grudges,
To the ground.

Rain, Rain.
Falling as a mist,
Cleaning my wounds,
And healing the same.

Rain, rain.
Hanging as fog,
Protecting my eyes,
From the horrors beyond.

Rain, rain.
Falling gently,
Mingling with my tears,
And washing them away.

Rain, rain.
Lying in puddles.
Of my worries and cares,
Fears and walls.
I am now exposed and free,
Innocent and protected.

Alas,
That I could stand in the
Rain forever.

"The Key To Solitude"

Bright red streams,
Flowing,
From slashed wrists.

Empty containers strewn about,
Pills scattered,
Drug induced nothingness.

Course rope,
Hanging,
From a banister.
And overturned chair,
Lying on the floor.

A Revolver,
Sitting silently on a table,
Having been carelessly dropped,
Blood spattered all over the room.

Curtains fluttering,
In the open window,
On the top floor,
Of a skyscraper.

Bottles stacked in rows,
Mostly empty,
Some lying broken on the floor.

So many people with;
No hope.
Nothing to go on for.
No one to care.

Who will be next?
You?
Me?
So many ways out.
Which would you choose?

Suicide,
The key to solitude.

"Something Wrong"

"Something wrong?"
You ask.
What am I to say?

Should I say that;
I can no longer bear;
Your patronizing actions,
Your false sympathy,
Your indecisive, 
Lazy attitudes.
Your close minded,
Self absorbed state of mind.
Your lack of commitment,
Your lack of care,
Your lack of compromise.

The way you take me for granted,
The way you expect me to; 
Worship the ground you walk on,
Adhere to your every whim,

Be only what you want me to be,
Do only what you want me to do,
Think only what you want me to think,
Believe only what you tell me.

They way you cut corners,
And get angry when you have to face the music.
The way you go out on a limb,
And expect me to be your safety net.
The way you take advantage of the fact that I'm around,
And yet constantly remind me of how expendable I am.

The way you say you trust me,
And then have me chaperoned.
The way you get angry because I don't know what to do,
Yet you won't let me go and learn.
The way you tell me yes
In a way that gives you infinity to put it off.

You ask me questions with no answers,
You give me puzzles with missing pieces,
You put me in-between your sword fights.
You ask me to incriminate a friend,
And are enraged when I can not.

You never stop to think,
That if I would betray another's trust,
I would also betray yours.

I know I'm naive.
I know I need guidance.
I know I have no where else to go.
I know I need you.
But that doesn't give you a monopoly on me.

You talk about me as if I am not there.
You think I have nothing of my own.
No opinions,
Dreams,
Thoughts...

Occasionally you do ask me what I think.
But I've learned the hard way,
That's not really what you're asking.

You want to know that I am becoming 
Everything you want me to be.
You want someone to agree with you.
To make you feel secure,
To let you know that you are correct
In your brash assumptions.

"Is something wrong?" You ask.
"No of course not. Why do you ask?"
"You didn't quite seem yourself tonight." You reply.
"No. Of course nothing's wrong. Excuse me."

I must replace my walls,
Tighten my guard, 
Repair the slit in my mask.

For if you knew,
The thoughts inside my head,
I would surely not survive 
The resulting storms of your rage.

I try to be there for you.
I try to understand everything.
I know it's not easy for you.
I know I am difficult.

But I can't go on like this.