"I'm not alone"

Pulling the wool over my head,
Hiding, cowering underneath
Trembling, holding on
Darkness sweet delight

Suffocation, a friend, a constant companion,
Holding me here
Amongst the shadows,
Always watching,
But never living.

I see others,
Laughing, living life
Here I am,
Standing behind them,
Dreaming.

Reaching outward
A timid fawn stepping out into the world,
One foot forward,
Another follows, sweetness at hand
Grabbing at straws,
Finding heaven.

Whispering prays,
Silent wonders
A soft word of kindness,
Seeping in,
Hearing more then words,
Understanding.

The sun light dances across the sky,
All my thoughts seem to say
I'm alone---

A moment in time, I believed
I'm alone,
Whispering prays I hear,
Voices bound and far,
Seeping inside
And I know,
Loneliness is only a state of mind.


"Understand, Mother"

I try to understand, mother
I hear the words you say,
Still I remember the words long ago,
The words spoken in pain and rage.

I try to understand, mother
I see the actions you take,
Seeing the care you still give him,
And I can't forget.

I try to understand, mother
I hear your reasoning, 
Still I remember long ago,
When I trembled in pain,
And Mother, you were not there.

I try to understand, mother
I see the logic,
Still I can't forget,
Nor forgive you, mother.

I try to understand, mother
As I watch my children play,
And see the innocent wonder on their faces,
I find, mother I can't forget,
Nor forgive you, mother.

I try to understand, mother
I hear your sorrow
And the guilt quivering in your voice,
But I understand,
It's not my shame or guilt.


"The Magic of Saying No"

I can feel the magic,
The magic spinning all around me,
A comforting blanket,
A song calling my name,
I can feel the breeze against my cheek,
I can feel the sun warming my body,
I see the dreams dancing before me,
Dreams I never thought I'd hold,
But here I am,
Standing before me,
And letting the child within sing.

I can hear her sweet voice,
Comforting me as I comfort her,
Taking back the power,
They stole so long ago.

I can feel the magic,
Basking in its gift,
Knowing for now, today I waged the war
And won the battle.
Tomorrow will come,
Bringing more to bare.

Jiggling bells, a child's laughter
A scream of triumphant from within
For today they didn't take me
I won, flying away.

I was there, a shadow
Following behind them,
Seeing the stars and the moon,
Only tonight, I watch
Not with fear nor tears upon my cheek,
But with a smile and a giggle
I feel the magic of the moment,
The magic of saying No....

I can't go back,
Becoming the timid angel sitting on a cliff
When I've tasted the rage of a loin
And the courage of alone wolf amongst the crowd
I'm free........

I can feel the sun warming my bones,
I can see the stars twinkling,
And hear the moon calling my name
As I lay down to sleep,
Knowing tonight I've won.
Tomorrow will come,
Bringing forth a new demons,
But for now, I believe in me!


"I said No"

I said no
As the wind howled
And the storm raged outside
But no one heard.

I said no
As nature's tears fell
And my followed 
But no one heard.

I said no
As my heart shattered
And my soul flew away,
But no one heard.

I said no
As the child slept
And nightmares raced
But no one heard.

I said no
As a child,
And as an adult,
But no one heard.

I said no
And no one heard,
Till I found my voice
And now, I scream NO!


"Daddy"

Bringing home the demons,
Don't you know, Daddy
The demons march under score
Calling your name, Daddy
And someday, Daddy
They'll take you away
And here I'll stand,
Watching them feast upon your soul, 
Laughing----

Daddy, don't you know
I don't love you, Daddy.
Don't you know, 
You can't have me.

Once I laid underneath,
Trapped and lost
But I saw the light
And here I laugh, 
Laughing upon your grave
Knowing the demons feast,
Thriving on your black heart.

"Mother, times change"

When I fell, face in the mud
I looked around, searching
Staring at strangers,
But hoping it was you, mother.

When I triumphant, roaring in joy
I looked around, searching
Staring at strangers,
But hoping it was you, mother.

When I bought a life into the world,
I looked around, searching
Staring at strangers,
But hoping it was you, mother.

Now, as I look around,
You, mother stand there,
Holding out your arms
But mother, times change
And so do I.

"Was it love, Daddy?"

I look in the mirror,
Staring at my reflection,
I see the scars, festering
I know nothing will change,
But still I wonder why

I've been drifting away,
Dreaming all day,
Wondering why,
Why you didn't love me, Daddy?

I can still taste and feel
The touch of your skin,
The smell of your breath,
The beer nausea me,
Was this love?

Was it love,
When you crawled beside me,
Invading my space?

I can still see you, Daddy
When I close my eyes
And the darkness encircles me,
Holding me tight.

Was it love, Daddy
When you stole my virginity
Leaving a me alone?

Huddled under the blankets
Staring at the ceiling
Counting the tiled squares
I known now, Daddy
It wasn't love!

"The Lord Above"

I know the Lord above,
Watches over me,
And yet, as I lay sleeping
Reliving the nightmare,
I wonder what test he placed upon me.

I know the Lord above,
Loves me, loves me,
But as I look into the mirror
I wonder what test he placed upon me,
For as the shadows grow,
And I yearn to rest
I find no peace.

I know the Lord above,
Knows the past and the future,
But the past haunts me,
Keeping me locked in a cycle,
And as I yearn for peace,
I think of him,
Wondering what test he has set for me.

I know the Lord above,
A busy man he is,
And yet, I whisper his name,
Not in vain, but longing
Wondering what I did wrong
As the past clings to my soul.

I know the Lord above,
Loves me, loves me,
But as I call his name
And feel the peacefulness of his embrace
I know he hasn't forsaken me.


"I Took it "

I took it all,
The nasty words,
The emotional roller coaster,
Not once did I complain,
Nor state my opinion.

For so long, I took it all,
Accepting troubles not my own,
Believing every word,
Losing me.

I took it all,
The physical abuse,
The emotional assaults,
The sexual invasions,
Never complaining.

For so long, I took it all,
Trapping myself within,
Watching my soul swivel up, 
But now, as I look above
Watching the heavens rush bye, 
I begin to wonder why.

I took it all, 
The puppet I was,
Jumping each time the string was pulled,
Never thinking for myself,
Nor doubting the rules.

For so long, I took it all
Surrender it all,
But now, I stare around me
And wonder why,
Knowing I'll never understand.

I took it all,
Never doubting there was another way,
But now, I'm on my own
Living my life, and being me,
Knowing I longer accept.


"Pondering"

Once upon a twilight note
While the moon winked,
And the stars danced a jig,
I pondered, weak and weary.

I bowed nearly dreaming
With visions of sugar plums
And chocolate
Knowing it rest upon my tongue.

Once upon a sunrise song
While colors danced
And the clouds raced.
I pondered, weak and weary.

I stood half awake
With visions of diamonds
And jems
Knowing it rest upon my soul.

Once upon a moonless night
While darkness swelled
And the clouds consumed
I pondered, weak and weary.

I sat nearly frozen
With visions of icicles
And pops
Knowing it rest upon my heart.

Once each day became night
Running together - the same
And dying embers wrought with ghost
Eagerly seeking answers to my questions
Never doubting for a moment
I find what I seek,
Yet with the dawning light
I find myself alone
Pondering what I thought
And the truth here before me.