Wrtten by
Nancy Imelda Schafer
"I Have A Life"
The mess within them
Tired
Bored
Afraid
Afraid of what they have become
Afraid of what lies ahead
Am I still a man?
Am I really alive?
Can I still make a woman tremble with my touch?
Can I still tremble back to hers?
Can I love again?
He finds me
We talk
He listens
I listen
Bells are going off in my head
Bail
Bail
Bail
I stay.
I know where this will lead...
Yet I stay
E x a m p l e ...
A 44 year old man...
Looking at himself...as others see him:
Established
Good career
Wifey
3 copies of himself
1.6 mil home
Politics and views in tact, unyielding
Good morals
Faithful for 15
No compromise at this late date
My way, or no way
Take it or leave it
This is what he thinks he is
Projecting this on a daily basis to the world is easy.
But at night...
In the dark...
His mind turns inside out...
It screams
And it cries,
Silently.
He reaches out,
Blindly at first
WOW.
What is this?
Is she talking to me?
She is talking to me!
And I'm talking back.
Telling her inter most thoughts,
My politics,
Work,
Stupid stuff.
My brazil, my Spyder
I told her my secret fantasy.
She liked it,
She likes me.
Instant bond.
I need her.
She is helping me feel alive.
I beep her on the hour, every hour
I call her 5 times a day.
I whisper sweet nothings,
I whisper sweet nasty's
She likes it
She likes me
For the first time in years...
I feel alive.
I have purpose in waking up.
I long for the day to be over to talk with her.
I need to hear her want me.
It makes me feel good
I like the tingle in my loins when she is with me
Hardness at the thought of her,
At the sound of her voice giggling at my sweet nasty's
She likes it
She likes me
But...
Will she come to me if I call?
Will she?
It would make me feel like a million Canadian dollars if she did
Lets see!
Ring Ring:
"Come to me now, right now, with only the clothes on your back."
YES!
She's coming!
She likes it
She likes me
She comes to me
We make love
Over and over again.
Is this possible at my age?
I thought my body had weakened with age.
5 times in one short night?
See?
I am very alive.
One problem:
She likes it
She loves me
I love her back
No, no no...
This can't be...
>>I have a life<<
What has happened here?
I wanted to talk, and have her undivided attention...Done
I wanted to feel alive again...Done
I wanted to be in love again...Done
To feel skin peeling passion...Done
To fulfill my darkest fantasy...Done
To have a sweet thing dance on me till I pass out...Done
I wanted her here at a moments notice...Done
I wanted to make her jump through my hoops willingly...Done
I wanted to be her only thought...Done
I wanted to be 17 again...Done
I want out
I am scared shitless
I have a life here
I have a life
I have a life
If I repeat this enough,
I'm sure I will believe it.
Anyway...
I have learned I can love again,
That I am still a man with all body parts working,
I am desirable to a woman
I have wit.
I feel much better about myself.
Oh, what do I do about her?
Yea, I do love her,
But only enough as I needed to.
I feel great.
She will understand when I tell her...
I have a life.
I know she will understand when I tell her,
The wifey needs me
The 3 boys need me
The house and pots of flowers need me
My job, the new promotion need me
The BMW, the Saab, the Minivan,
The new Cougar I had to have cause you had one...
They all need me.
She will understand when I tell her for the last time...
I have a life.
.......
R e f l e c t i o n
It was my job,
To see this man through his life.
This fragile time when he doubted himself
To give him the love he cried for
Laugh at Italian nasty's
Love his country
Give him all the space in my head he needed, he demanded.
To cuddle him.
Run to him when he called and said; "NOW!"
Why?
I dono.
Self inflicted wounds?
I knew this would happen.
It had to.
I complete this 9 months to the day from when I met him.
Many attempts from him in recent weeks to re kindle.
Flowers, beeps all day,
A ticket to Toronto in an envelope.
Today, the call came,
The one I was expecting.
Come to me now, right now, with just the clothes on your back.
Come to me Spyder, come to your Pondfrog.
Silence.
We just sat listening to each other breathe for 5 minutes,
No words spoken.
Then,
"Mama Mia, Bella Luna Spyder, Mamma Mia, Bella Luna.
Our moon. Our full moon. I heard her cry to me for you Spyder,
Bella Luna, our full moon. Come to me."
Tears
Tears from both of us.
Big ones.
Silence
My head was exploding
Internal eruptions
............
This man had touched me in so many ways.
Changed my life full circle.
For that I am eternally grateful.
My wish...
I hope he understood when I said to him for the last time:
"I have a life."
"Ciao."
" I HAVE A LIFE "
©
Wrtten by
S.D. August 28, 1995
F.D. Febuary 5, 1996
8:30 pm (EST)
......................................
Written about ... DRG
020596
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
I started this work, what seems like a lifetyme ago.
For all the right reasons,
it was a lifetyme ago.
A diffrent life.
A man in his Queen Anne chair.
Confident, cockey, arrogant.
alone.
Posted March 7, 1997
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I'll remember...
The way that you loved me